Aqsis of Good

Oh Yes

2007-10-15T21:54:00.001-04:00

We're so silly, us humans, so silly. Laughable.

Cryable, too.

Shall I expound? Okay, I shall, but just a little.

Working as a 4th grade teacher I have the opportunity to witness first hand human drama every day, and while I can dismiss my students' outcries for broken friendships and declarations of dislike for fellow classmates as childish behavior, I've come to realize that I am much more like my students emotionally than I'd like to be. Maybe it's just me and I'm emotionally retarded, and didn't develop past the elementary school level, but I think it might be more than that. We humans, in general, enjoy drama in our lives. Or maybe it's that some of us are so reactionary to what goes around us in life. There is that minority of folks out there who have better things to do with themselves than be reactive to everything they experience, but they are few. Though I think responding to things around us is necessary, the majority of us don't react in any way that is constructive. Rather we usually just vent and wollop in our own stew of emotions and circumstances.

I thought I was getting somewhere, but I'll need some more time to think it through. Good night.

yoohoo

2007-06-02T21:08:00.001-04:00

Well hello.

It's been a while since I've been here. Got through my last year of school, and yes, wow, graduated.

I've gotten over it. I mean, college is really really great, but you've gotta get up and move on, ya know?

So, maybe you noticed a change - a new hairstyle, a brighter color, or I don't know, the fact that I'm not "evil" anymore? Well, I felt that I just didn't want something like that attached to my name and my blog - it was all in fun, but I don't want anybody getting the wrong idea, because I don't like evil things, and I don't like axes of evil.

So, I'm an axis of good - axis carries the connotation that there are others who are good - which i'm sure there are, but really, this axis of good is just me myself and i trying to be better than who we were yesterday. And now I sound like an axis of crazy because I'm referring to myself as "we."
Ah, oh well, we'll be better tomorrow.

okay then, bye now :)
aqsis, aqsis and aqsis

This world is not for you

2006-10-13T18:42:00.000-04:00

Karl Heinzen and I went to high school together. This kid was - there is no other way to put it - full of life. Everybody loved him - his peers, his teachers, everyone. Karl was a good person - he had a good spirit.
I cannot believe he is gone. I didn't know what people meant when they would say they could still hear someone, or see someone after they were gone - but I understand: I can still hear Karl's laugh. His face keeps swimming in front of me - as he pulls a prank on one of his buddies, forgets a line from our play. I hear his laugh, and I think - why? why did he have to die? why did this kid with so much spunk and life, and happiness leave us?
I can only think: Indeed we are for Allah - and to Allah do we all return.

Man Is Swept Into Ocean, as Father’s Rescue Try Fails
Daniel Barry for The New York Times

Karl Heinzen, who was swept away by a wave near Breezy Point, in a photograph held by his mother, Linda Arvay.

By EMILY VASQUEZ and ANN FARMER
Published: October 9, 2006

Karl Heinzen battled the first wave that swept him off the jetty as he was fishing yesterday morning near Breezy Point at the western tip of the Rockaways.

He swam back to the strip of jagged gray boulders, and pulled off his jacket and tried to get his waders off, too, knowing that they could fill with water and weigh him down like an anchor.

Then another wave crashed, six or eight feet tall, and again the swelling waters of the Atlantic drew him in.

This time, the jetty rocks were out of Mr. Heinzen’s reach, and his father, who had been fishing nearer to shore and saw his son go under, also had to battle the waves and was unable to rescue him.

Mr. Heinzen, 21, remained missing yesterday evening.

“He just loved to fish,” said his father, Jerome Heinzen, 59. Karl started fishing with his family in Prospect Park when he was just a toddler, he said, but as he grew older the location near Breezy Point, called Gateway Jetty, became the favorite spot for father and son.

“They went all year round, rain or shine, the fishing was good,” said Karl’s mother, Linda Arvay. “He always went out the farthest. He had no fear.”

When the waves began to strike the jetty’s slick rocks about 8 a.m., Karl Heinzen started walking the 20 or so feet toward his father.

When the first wave swept Karl off the jetty, his father ran to help him, but as the second wave carried Karl away, Mr. Heinzen was also carried into the water. Another fisherman pulled Jerome Heinzen back onto the rocks, and they looked up to see that there was another chance for Karl’s rescue.

A boat, the Dorothy B VIII, which charters fishing trips from Sheepshead Bay, had just passed the jetty, but circled back fast to throw Karl a lifeline with a buoy attached. But Karl — who had been a mate on the boat in high school — could not snatch it.

“He was a few feet from the buoy but didn’t have enough strength to grab it,” Mr. Heinzen said.

It was unclear yesterday if his son had been able to shed his waders, which was “exactly as he was taught to do,” Ms. Arvay said.

The United States Park Police, the New York Fire and Police Departments and the Coast Guard searched for Mr. Heinzen. Because of the tide, the search was called off after 5 p.m.

By then, Ms. Arvay had already gone back to the family car. Jerome Heinzen still stood with his daughter on the jetty, watching as the rescue boats drifted away.

Tears stream down your face

2006-10-11T01:24:00.000-04:00

...ya Allah.

and I...

need your help.

Bush Untethered

2006-09-17T18:31:00.000-04:00

Someone had to say it - an editorial from The New York Times:

Editorial
Bush Untethered

Published: September 17, 2006

Watching the president on Friday in the Rose Garden as he threatened to quit interrogating terrorists if Congress did not approve his detainee bill, we were struck by how often he acts as though there were not two sides to a debate. We have lost count of the number of times he has said Americans have to choose between protecting the nation precisely the way he wants, and not protecting it at all.

On Friday, President Bush posed a choice between ignoring the law on wiretaps, and simply not keeping tabs on terrorists. Then he said the United States could rewrite the Geneva Conventions, or just stop questioning terrorists. To some degree, he is following a script for the elections: terrify Americans into voting Republican. But behind that seems to be a deeply seated conviction that under his leadership, America is right and does not need the discipline of rules. He does not seem to understand that the rules are what makes this nation as good as it can be.

The debate over prisoners is not about whether some field agent can dunk Osama bin Laden’s head to learn the location of the ticking bomb, as one senator suggested last week. It is about whether the United States can confront terrorism without shredding our democratic heritage. This nation is built on the notion that the rules restrain our behavior, because we know we’re fallible. Just look at the hundreds of men in Guantánamo Bay, many guilty of nothing, facing unending detention because Mr. Bush did not want to follow the rules after 9/11.

Now Mr. Bush insists that in cleaning up his mess, Congress should exempt C.I.A. interrogators from the Geneva Conventions. “The bottom line is simple: If Congress passes a law that does not clarify the rules — if they do not do that — the program’s not going forward,” Mr. Bush said. But clarity is not the issue. The Geneva Conventions are clear and provide ample room for interrogating terrorists. Similarly, in the debate over eavesdropping on terrorists’ conversations, Mr. Bush says that if he has to get a warrant, he can’t do it at all. Actually, he has ample authority to eavesdrop on terrorists, under the very law he is breaking, the 1978 Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act.

Senator Dianne Feinstein, a Democrat who is on the Senate Intelligence Committee, says that after being briefed on the wiretapping, she concluded that “this surveillance can be done, without sacrifice to our national security,” within the law. She has introduced a bill to affirm FISA’s control over all wiretapping. It would also give the authorities far more flexibility to listen first and get a warrant later when it’s really urgent. But the only bill Mr. Bush wants is a co-production of Vice President Dick Cheney and Arlen Specter, chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee, that gives the president more room to ignore FISA and chokes off any court challenges.

The best thing Congress could do for America right now is to drop this issue and let the courts decide the matter. Mr. Bush can’t claim urgency; it’s not as though he has stopped the wiretapping.

Legislation is needed on the prisoner issue, although not as urgently as Mr. Bush says. Three Republican senators, John McCain, John Warner, and Lindsey Graham, have a bill that is far better than the White House version but it, too, has some huge flaws that will take time to fix. It will be hard in an election year, but if the Republicans stand firm, and Democrats insist on the needed changes, they might just require Mr. Bush to recognize that he is subject to the same restraints that applied to every other president of this nation of laws.

Yaadein

2006-09-13T23:38:00.000-04:00

It's 11:33pm right now. I have class tomorrow at 2pm, for which I have to read 250 pages tonight. I have been awake since 6am this morning. I have been marching non-stop since then. What am I doing now?
a)Sleeping a fitful sleep?
b)Catching up on 250 pages of reading on the Ottoman Empire?
c)Writing my response due for class tomorrow?
d)None of the above
This is not a trick question.

Tonight the Islamic Center @ NYU had its first event: Welcome Back Dinner/ Ice Cream Social. It was the first time I was up at bat - the first time I was in charge of something, and it made me realize all that's involved in planning a relatively simple dinner, and how time consuming it is! My appreciation for past IC executive board members grew immensely (heenie beans, that means you :) and though I was thoroughly exhausted afterwards, it felt good to be doing...something for one's community. I'm still in a bit of denial in regards to the fact that I'm a SENIOR in college, but having an event like this, where I got to see babies, and inviting them to participate in something that has meant so much to me these past few years, felt really good :)
I also felt sad..because....this would be my last welcome back dinner!! God! The most cliche statements become applicable to my life, which I know is terribly corny, but so true. Freshman year really does feel like yesterday - I vividly remember my first Ice Cream social, and meeting people who would become close friends and confidants.

Life goes too fast. I want it to slow down. I just want to savor this, but instead Monday becomes Wednesday and then Friday...and then it's Monday again. And I pause to think, and am overwhelmed when I realize I'm almost done with my formal education.
Yaadein yaadein yaadein...I don't want to be nostalgic...I don't want to grow up.

2006-08-20T23:54:00.000-04:00

I'm angry.

At myself, at my friends, at myself, at my peers.

We're so disillusioned. Some of us more than others.

Sheesha, hookah, whatever you call it makes me want to smack someone really hard. I surprise myself sometimes by such strong feelings, but I really can't stand it when I find out someone engages in this extremely unattractive activity. It really bites when you find out your friends like doing it.
I don't give a crap how good of a friend you are, smoking sheesha is SMOKING. SMOKING IS FILTHY, DISGUSTING, AND EXTREMELY HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH. Also, to people who make the comparison that fat is bad for you, you are a....dingo. Fat is vital for life. People who consume it in behemoth proportions are also filthy and disgusting. There are no double standards. Cigarettes stink, cigars reek, and sheesha sucks. Go ahead and call me uptight, ms goody two shoes, or what have you. I hate sheesha.

This entry's purpose was for me to vent. Thank you for letting me vent. I will now find the guts to explain my feelings to my friends.

...because I was low

2006-07-25T17:17:00.000-04:00

There have been times where I have wondered what kind of kick people get out of doing drugs. I mean, I understand that it makes them feel better for a little while - they escape their reality, and can trip for a while. But actually how fun is it to be high? How enjoyable is it to live in a delusion? The only way I feel I can remotely relate to being high (besides being so on life, which is really nice, and not really in the same category as the drug version) is being low, which is NO FUN AT ALL.

When I say I'm low I'm talking about not just feeling low, but really being low, in that my blood glucose is below normal levels and I cannot function properly. I'm writing this right now because an hour ago I got back from my internship and was about to pass out in my living room before my mom realized and stuffed my face with every sweet thing she could find. All the while, she reprimanded me for not taking advantage of all of the facilities provided for people like me (i.e. checking my blood glucose level every couple of hours, eating a snack, etc), as well as conjuring up various scenarios in which I'm found passed out from hypoglycemia on a New York City sidewalk, and a crazy, strange man (half of New York's population, according to my mom) does whatever he wants with me. Scenario 2: In my delusional low-blood sugar state of mind, I cross the street in the middle of on-coming traffic, completely unaware of my imminent death. Astaghfirullah, I'm not writing these to amuse myself - when I think about it, I actually do get scared, because I know that when I am low, these frightening situations are possible.

But at the same time, I am angry with my mother - does she think I enjoy being low? That I do it on purpose? That I like tripping, and later, when I regain normal blood glucose, I can't remember what happened? Honestly, I feel like I know what it must be like to be drunk or high, because when I'm low, everything goes slower, everything's a little fuzzy and blurry. But it's not pleasant at all - inside there's a feeling of nervousness, like the brain just knows this isn't right. Sometimes I begin to see double (Last year, when Chinese calligrapher Hajji Noor came to NYU for an event on his art, I had to abruptly leave because I was seeing four of him, and I thought I was going blind. I devoured a brownie later, but only Allah got me home safely) There's that hollow-pit-in-your-stomach feeling that you sometimes get when you're anxious, and you start repeating yourself, and yelling. As much as I recall of how terrible it feels to be low, what really freaks me out is when people who are around me at the time tell me how strange I was acting. And when I try to remember what they're talking about....I can't! That's what frustrates me most - trying to remember, and only managing to find bits and pieces of what feels like a dream.

When I shudder at these recollections of being low, my mind yells, how do people LIKE doing drugs or drinking until they pass out? How do they tolerate that lack of consciousness and alertness? Today, before my mom realized I was low, I was sitting at the dining table trying to read the mail (junk mail from some random bank selling a credit card, to be exact) and I was CONSCIOUS of being low - I kept trying to read the name of the bank, but couldn't and I thought, Aqsa Aqsa, you can do it, come on, snap out of it - you're not functioning right now...Come on! I felt like...I was drowning, and I wasn't sure if everything would be okay again.

I know this post is rather depressing, but I needed to write my thoughts down about being low - and to anybody out there who reads this who does drugs/drinks voluntarily - just think about what you're doing yourself - and as applicable as my mother's scenarios are to me when I'm low, they are just as applicable to you when you're drunk and high, except that YOU put yourself there. Please, please don't do that to yourself. It is NOT worth it.

Priceless

2006-07-23T16:38:00.000-04:00

"What I wont do is go to some place and try to get a cease-fire that I know isnt going to last."
CONDOLEEZZA RICE, the secretary of state, on the fighting in Lebanon.

Excuse me, Ms. Rice, but would or would not a cease-fire prevent further deaths? Even if a cease-fire didn't last as long as you hoped it would, would it not save the lives of many humans in the meantime? Yes, it would. Even if it saved just three people (even one day's ceasefire would save hundreds of lives) - a toddler's mother, or a couple's only son, or a newlywed's husband, it would save tragedy from afflicting people. But that's just so not worth going anywhere is it?
I mean, heck, I'm just Secretary of State of the most powerful nation, but why should I fly anywhere and ask for the aggression to stop? My loved ones aren't in harm's way. My home has not been bombed - I don't see dead people I once knew as neighbors. So why should I go to some place, because the cease-fire just might save some lives for some time? Psshh.....

God, please help the oppressed, and stop the oppressors. Ameen.

As long as we've got each other

2006-07-19T18:25:00.000-04:00

Siiiiiigggghhhh...........

I got back from my internship a couple of hours ago. No, I'm not working as an assistant or observer of a surgeon, lawyer, engineer, investment banker, or assets manager. No no no, my friends. My internship, in some people's eyes would not be considered an internship, and even I question the validity of that title. However, there is no doubt that this summer I am learning A LOT about what teaching in the heart of New York City is all about. So far my student teaching experiences through NYU sent me to elementary schools in Manhattan and Brooklyn (the gentrified areas) and the children, while having issues of their own, were for the most part at no disadvantage in terms of socioeconomics. Just my luck that the Department of Ed decided to send me to Nowhere, aka somewhere in between Flatbush and Midwood, Brooklyn. My teaching experience is all the more intensified by the fact that I'm working with kids who were in the 6th grade last year, but failed to learn much of anything of the curriculum, and are spending their summer in a big stinky building trying to learn everything they didn't in five weeks.

If there's anything in this world that is absolutely positively untrue, it is the statement that some stupid people make, saying, "Oh, teaching is easy!" Actually, you crackpots of the Earth, if you knew anything about anything, you would believe it is not. And if you were working as a teacher at IS 240, school to almost 2000 pubescent, rebellious, bored-out-of-their-mind students, you would KNOW that teaching is never easy. Even so called "teachers" who are indifferent when it comes to their students' future and education, who read out of the textbook and call it a day, have a tough time teaching, because at some point, their students' boredom and resulting misbehavior wears them down.

Even though I hold much contempt for people in the education field who don't care one way or another about their kids, after teaching at IS 240 for the past two weeks, part of me has an found an inkling of empathy for these teachers. If I were a real first-year teacher at IS 240 with minimum support from the administration and faculty, I can honestly say that there is a good chance I would burn out within the first month and take an attitude of indifference toward my students. This is a REAL tragedy. These kids need so much help, but the adults around them give up on them. While some of the kids are real pains in the rear end (who am I kidding? they feed off each other, and sometimes the whole class becomes a sore), many of them are smart, beautiful kids who have soooo much potential, sooo much (shout out to my set of stars: Kadeem, Akil, Jomara: so much love and admiration -- because it's tough being good where they come from.)

In the end, one of the most important things I've learned is that there is nothing like keeping your cool in front of your kids. If you blow up all the time in front of them, you tend to acheive nothing. Perfect example: my cooperating teacher, Mr. Rios -- but I'll talk about him next time, because it's 1 am and I have to be outta the house by 7:30.

Peace in the Middle East pleeeeeease God.

Je t'aime

2006-06-28T02:49:00.000-04:00

I do not love you as if you were a salt rose, or topaz
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
So I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

-Pablo Neruda

I can go anywhere...

2006-06-12T23:16:00.000-04:00

Just take a look, it's in a book, a reading rainbow! (reading rainbow...)

No, I am not about to write about my extreme love for PBS and its children's programming. Rather, I was just having some thoughts about my latest experiences at PS 3, where I'm an America Reads tutor.

Really, I think tutor is the wrong word to describe my position in Jackie S's 2nd/3rd grade class. A better description of my job would possibly be chaos-manager. There are many words that can be used to describe my class, but chaotic grabs the essence. My cooperating teacher, Jackie S, is a lovable, free-spirited woman who, I think, has everyone's best at heart. However, she has also been teaching for I don't know how many years and is retiring this year. Many times, her attitude towards teaching her children screams "I don't give a crap at this point" because really, all I think she wants is to pack some of her belongings in a suitcase and fly to California to spend the rest of her years child-free.

To say that Jackie is at fault for the hullabaloo that ensues in Room 301 everyday would be unfair. Jackie's class is truly unlike any other class that will ever be. An equal mix of wide-eyed, vulnerable 2nd graders and larger-than-life, loquacious 3rd graders, every child in Jackie's class is unique and contributes his/her personality to the classroom, whether it be insane questions or comments produced by Abby (ex: "sometimes I wish I could fart on my dad's head" yes, I know) to the quiet persona maintained by Burgut. To control them is no easy feat - it would not be difficult for them to reduce a first-year teacher to tears. At the same time, just as I mentioned with Jackie, I don't feel that any of the children in Jackie's class are mean-spirited. They're just a class with....character.

Last Friday, while Jackie was out for the day, I had the most wonderful opportunity to take the class on my own. By 11 am, their lunchtime, I was ready to leave and take a bubblebath or something, but I resorted to walking around Greenwich Village, which I've realized can really provide some peace of mind with its quiet streets filled with brownstones and one-of-a-kind patisseries and cafes. That afternoon, back in Room 301 I decided a nice activity for the children and me (for my well-being, for my sanity) would be a read-aloud. Part of me was nervous, afraid that even a read-aloud would not seduce Jackie's class to settle down and be quiet. But I went for it, hoping upon all hopes that the kids would find the story, The Minpins, by Roald Dahl, sort-of-interesting.

I got off to a rough start. Motormouth Sophia (I know that sounds mean, but this girl is literally a MOTORMOUTH - she is unable to stop herself) complained out loud, "Can't we just draw or something? That's what Jackie let's us do." I responded by saying that I, for one, was excited to try another Roald Dahl book (they had previously read The Magic Finger) and that I knew a lot of the kids also were (I actually did not know that).

And so I started to read. As my friends, people who have met me or listened to my voicemail message know, I like to do voices. I put my full abilities into use as I read to Jackie's class. I read the story like I would want somebody to read the story to me, and as I glanced around at the 26 children seated on the rug before me, I saw so many pairs of eyes staring in wonder and curiosity. My heart smiled. I had them. Of course, I think one or two kids had fallen asleep, so I wasn't a miracle-worker, but, but...the classroom was quiet! When I asked the class what they thought "tantalize" in the story might mean, hands shot up in the air! Fingers wiggled, and when I called on Lokae, who explained that Little Billy would tempt or tantalize the Gruncher, the class payed attention!

I couldn't finish the The Minpins that Friday afternoon, (to a lot of groans, I'm proud to say) but I promised to finish it later. I left that afternoon, exhausted, but feeling good, knowing that as crazy as kids might get, they're always up for a story.

Tanhaiye

2006-06-07T01:04:00.000-04:00

Hi.

What is this heart? What is it? This center of the body, this piece of muscle pumping blood, pumping life, into the whole of one's physical being? This center of the body, this piece of soul that either fills with fascination and happiness at what the world has to offer, or turns away in tire, in sadness, saying enough is enough?

Really that's what it is, loneliness, I mean. The heart wishes to retire of everything that is so glittery and consuming.

Ronaa Nahin Hai

2006-06-05T01:32:00.000-04:00

Hello again - I took a 3 hour nap today, and therefore cannot sleep even though I'm supposed to be out of the house this morning at 8 am...
dumb.

I was just thinking about stuff, about life. I will not claim to say anything deep, because I'm usually just incapable of that. However, I do think that my opinions come from worthy experiences in my life, and maybe that's okay.

Allah has made us so vulnerable. By vulnerable, I mean that we fall for things in this world, and we become attached to them so much - we feel that our entire existence depends upon them. We lose sight of the fact that this life is not all that matters, that however joyous or madly we feel, our existence here will end, and those that we fall so hard for will not be with us.

It's hard to gulp this down. Actually, it hurts, because there are things in this world that one does not want to let go of, because they seem so perfect and magical and wonderful that why would a person ever want to let go of them? Allah, being Allah, accounts for this. How? I feel that every time we are ever disappointed in our lives, we are beckoned to turn back to Allah. Everything else, everyone else in this world is capable of disappointing us - only Allah never disappoints. In this way, what can sometimes hurt so much is a blessing, a reminder from Allah that, yes, this life is full of wonderful, beautiful, joyful things, but when we expect more than should be expected from them, we are hurting our iman, we are hurting ourselves.

Am I advocating leaving behind love? No way. Love is too amazing to leave behind. But we need to always have our priorities straight - I'm still working on it.

I don't know if this makes any sense - I have a suspicion that I used the word "things" wayyyyy too much here, but please feel free to substitute anything you love besides Allah in its place.

Back and on the

2006-06-05T00:13:00.000-04:00

Attack.

Hello, Assalaamualaikum, Hola, Ohio, Shalom...
I lost my old blog, dear friend www.askfreckles.blogspot.com due to my terrible memory. Not only did I forget my password after not posting on my blog for months, I also forgot the email address I registered with blogspot, and could not retrieve my password; sad face.
In light of this, I have a new baby: Aqsis of Evil. I realized that I missed being able to express my random thoughts, and perhaps, nobody cares for these random, often rather idiotic so-called thoughts, but I know that I get a slight kick out of reading them years after I've written them...so please, bear with me.

;) Tanks. Your friend always,

Aqsis